


Diary of a Confused First Officer

by JoAryn



Series: Diary of a ________ ________ [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/M, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-27 22:23:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6302572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoAryn/pseuds/JoAryn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chakotay ruminates on his life.  ep. Hunters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Diary of a Confused First Officer

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think this has been properly beta-ed and for that, I apologize. However, it kind of goes with the whole "stream of consciousness" thing, so I may not worry too much about it.

# Diary of a Confused First Officer

Before New Earth, I considered Mark Johnson as a negligible concern - something that had a vague, nigh to unmeasurable effect on Janeway's perceptions and decisions. 

I had known about her engagement, of course. On a ship of Voyager's size, it's hard not to know the intimate details of everyone's life. You have to make a concerted effort to not engage in gossip and even then you can't completely close your ears to what's said in public places. Not that gossip played any part in my knowledge; she listed him among the reasons she was determined to get our crew home when she asked me to be her first officer. 

Anyhow, even though I knew about the engagement, it certainly wasn't something I'd ever expended a lot of thought on. I didn't wonder what kind of man he was; I didn't trouble myself to find out his name (Paris, of all people, was the one to enlighten me to that fact). It wasn't my place and Mark Johnson simply didn't factor into anything I did on a day-to-day basis. 

It wasn't until New Earth that I really considered that he might have some affect on me. I was attracted to Kathryn even before that, but it was just that, a one-sided appreciation of her attributes. On New Earth, though, I got to know her on a more personal level, and she got to know me. We had to rely on each other in a way we hadn't on Voyager and for my part, that resulted in a strong emotional bond. I like to believe that it was the same for her, but she's surprised me too many times over the years for me to ever be really certain of how she feels unless she says it flat out. 

If it wasn't for that element of her emotional honesty, I think she would drive me crazy. The fact that she can clearly articulate how she felt about a given situation, even when her outward manifestations at the time were completely at odds with her internal landscape, provides me with a solid foundation to base my actions on. She's very open about that in terms of our professional relationship. I'm just left in the dark regarding how she sees me personally. 

I know the crew is aware of how I feel for her; I'm not oblivious to the fact that I tend to be something of an open book about my emotions no matter how much I might wish otherwise. They think she's in love with me, too, and I wish I had the faith to believe in their intuition. Unfortunately, I think they're basing their perceptions on incomplete information. I believe that even if she completely loathed me, Kathryn could make the crew think I was her most treasured friend. 

I suppose I should count myself fortunate that I know she doesn't dislike me. While she's never spoken of deeper feelings, she has at least conveyed how much she values our friendship. I only wish I knew if was in the least be amenable to something beyond friendship.

You see, Mark Johnson has recently reared his head in a less than auspicious way. We were finally able to make contact with Starfleet via an alien network of relay stations that were able to not only piggyback sensor signals but also subspace communications. I don't want to dwell on what I learned in the letter I received - I knew how brutal the Cardassians could be and would have assumed the same of any power they chose to ally themselves with - and, although I'm struck by the news of the massacre on Tevlik, it doesn't have quite the same personal impact as knowing that someone you love has left you behind. 

Kathryn's letter from home came from Mark. I'm not privy to why neither her mother or sister was available for correspondence, I only know that according to Mark they are in good health. But in addition to the happy news that her family is well, he also announced his marriage to another woman. Kathryn put on a brave face when she told me and while I believe that she didn't have any real expectations of Mark waiting for her after this long, I can't help but think that she's also wounded by the reality. 

I don't presume to know her mind - as I've said, she's confounded me on previous occasions - but no matter how similar reality may be to her inner expectations, it wasn't incontrovertibly true until that letter came. And for all her talk of emotional safety nets, I'm still struggling to understand exactly what she wants from me. A hug? More? As much as I would love for her to want me to take her in her arms, I'm terrified of destroying our friendship if I've misjudged her. 


End file.
